So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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