Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
