so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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