you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
