home. puking in laundry basket.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
