people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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