Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
