I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
