Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
