her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
