If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am spending my child support on dildos
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
two words: eviction party
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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