ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
