I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
