drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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