Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
