I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize