He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
