if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
