Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
