I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
