but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
