i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
