I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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