I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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