I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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