after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
