wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
