I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
