he thought i was a dude.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
