I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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