I smell stomach acid.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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