I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
