I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize