and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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