I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
