He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
