Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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