dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize