im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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