Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
