i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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