remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
