My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
