strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
