I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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