I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
