new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
