it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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