I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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