I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
