Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
