At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
