I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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