i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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