I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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