so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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