I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
