mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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