i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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