Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
