The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
