Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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