tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
