Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
