I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
