Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
