it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
