Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
