Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He did a backflip because drugs
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
